On Mothers (TW: Emotional Abuse, Depression, Suicidal Ideation, PMDD, Mental Health Issues)

My biological mother is emotionally abusive. One of these days, I’ll get around to writing a blog post going into gory detail about all the shit she’s put me through, but for now, let’s just say it’s awful.

I have gotten so much shit in my life for looking like my severely mentally ill Aunt Susan, who is schizo-affective. From the time I was a little girl, all I heard whenever I showed any signs of having a mental illness or “crying for no reason” (like being bullied), I was always told that “I had Aunt Susan-like tendencies”–meaning that I was bipolar (her original diagnosis) like her and I better cut it out if I wanted to be “normal.”

Tyrion’s trial scene in “Game of Thrones” broke my fucking heart because while I am not a dwarf, I too have been on trial my entire life for my disabilities–PMDD, anxiety, and stress-induced depression. No matter what I did, I was always the scapegoat and my younger sister Alicia was the Golden Child.

I had to fight with my mother to just go to the gynecologist to be put on birth control for my PMDD at the age of 23. She always blew me off and insisted my pain was “normal.”

I was also emotionally and verbally abused by her as a child; she’s bullied me my entire life and it’s probably the reason why I have so much fucking pent-up rage and why I flirted with suicidal ideation when I was younger. Also why I have so much self-loathing during my darkest times as well.

I wanted to kill myself when I was stuck at FC back in ’11 and my PMDD made me hit a low point that I haven’t seen in years. The only thing that stopped me from putting a rope around my neck and just fucking ending it was my friends and my dog. I couldn’t leave them. There was also a guy I liked at the time, but it didn’t work out in the long run. Still, he was the anchor I needed at the time to keep swimming towards the surface, even if it ended badly and I did a lot of shit I’m not proud of and I still feel very guilty for today.

More recently, my mother flat-out told me that she doesn’t support my writing. According to her, I’ll never get a full-time job and neither my boyfriend nor I have what it takes to “make it.” Therefore, we need to be taken “care of” because we severe developmental disabilities and can’t handle the real world.

I know intellectually that my mother is a narcissistic bitch, but it still cut deep. I’m so stressed out with trying to find a full-time job, worrying about my dad finding a full-time job, and dealing with a stressful freelance job and I snapped the past two days. I wanted to die and all I did was cry on and off to my boyfriend. I haven’t felt this worthless and loathsome in a long time and I hate it.

I’m doing a bit better today, and I’m glad I made this blog because the Gods know I need an outlet. Reading over this post, given my mother’s bat-shit crazy tendencies, it’s no wonder that my Gods are more Maternal/Paternal with me. They know how fucked up my family is and honestly, Brighid, Bast, and Anupet have been the only normal Mother figures I’ve ever known.

Yesterday, They were all very supportive. They gave me my space when I needed it and let me rant when I was feeling up to it and I am so very thankful for that.

I know intellectually that I am not worthless, that despite my shitty SEO and marketing skills that I WILL find the right job for me soon, but it’s just hard to remember that sometimes, especially when I am so stressed and stuck living in a hellhole with an emotionally abusive mother.

Here’s to brighter days, and when I do get a full-time job soon (and better insurance), I’m getting my ass to a therapist. The stories I’ll tell will have their hair standing on end, hah! 

 

 

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About The She Wolf

Amanda: Belly dancer. Feminist. Writer. Geek. Book nerd. Pagan.
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