Mother Issues (TW: Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Ideation, Emotional/Verbal Abuse) [X-Posted From Tumblr]

This was originally posted on Tumblr, but I figured I’d add it here too.

I am so grateful to Bast (and Brighid and Anupet) for being the Mother Figure I never had.

My biological mother is likely a Narcissist and has been mentally ill for use. I’ve grown up listening to her verbal and emotional abuse towards me, mainly because when I was heavier I looked a lot like my Aunt Susan, who has severe mental health issues and was recently diagnosed as schitzo-affective.

One day I’ll go in depth about everything I suffered under her hands, but recently during an argument, she told me flat out that not only does she not support my writing, but she also thinks that my boyfriend Philip and I will never make it nor be successful. In her opinion, we’re just like my Aunt Susan—too mentally ill to function at a stable 9-5 job and we’ll have to be taken care of for the rest of our lives.

This is also a woman who, when bitching to her other sister Laura about my Aunt Susan recently, flat out told my Aunt Laura that if Susan doesn’t want to get better, she’s going to tell her to kill herself.

I hate her. I have so much rage bottled up inside and it takes everything in me to keep my monstrous dark side at bay. My internal monster wasn’t born, it was created at the hands of a Narcissist who will never be happy and wants to drag everyone down to Hell alongside her.

I’ve been communicating with Bast via pendulum and asking Her questions about my fears and my current stress. I felt bad for bugging Her over and over with the same problems, so I asked if She was pissed that I needed constant reassurance about all the things that are making me anxious. I KNOW intellectually that everything will be all right, but I still can’t help but be anxious.

She told me that She understood why I do what I do and basically isn’t bothered by it. She knows that I struggle with anxiety and I’m going through a very rough patch and I started to cry, because I could feel a warm, motherly presence near me and it was comforting. Bast, Brighid, and Anupet are the only normal Mothers I have ever known and without Them, I’d probably be a lot worse off.

Thank You, Moms. I love You all.

 

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About The She Wolf

Amanda: Belly dancer. Feminist. Writer. Geek. Book nerd. Pagan.
This entry was posted in Dysfunctional Family and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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